I can out run all of the devils there, but never the doubt.

1:03AM

1:01AM - My love

5:38PM - the front page

It's a crying shame that Cheney wasn't hunting with Bush......

12:45AM - Another semester......and my last (knock on wood)

Spring semester starts on Monday. Where did my winter break go? Atleast most of my ridiculously large coursload is online......maybe I'll actually get some work done if its in the same room as my love. Thats the plan. Then we can both bid adieu to FCCJ. It cant come to soon.

10:06PM - BABY!!!!

I miss you terribly.

6:06PM - Je ne sais pas que faire avec moi-meme.

It's been so long since I've been left alone with myself....even then, the times were few and far between. Now, faced with dancing solo.....I can't even hear the music. So much stuff needs to be done...all the things I never do for lack of time.....and I realize I just really don't want to. Piles and piles of make up work....it is becoming increasingly apparent that time is not a component of desire, love being the only exception. This love, and time, run on parallel lines.

4:48PM - They way things go around here

They're clearing the trees behind my house....digging up the earth....I'm sure they'll fill it with cement, give it a number and then make a pretty penny off of a family who will only live there two months out of the year.
Not too many people that live here stay....unless they started out that way...then there's this THING about it..and they never get away...for long.
For one reason or another, people who grew up here always find themselves back...and never happy with it for long.
I still can't quite figure out why.
Used to the shelter I suppose.... The shelter of a 12 miles surrounded by water....never anyone just "passing through." No real povery or crime, of the monetary kind anyway..Poverty can't AFFORD to live in such a red state of mind.
Personally, I find it confining....suffocating at times...
Not that there isn't comfort in knowing all of the good people....but the good people are too busy working their lives away, to stay, and you never really see them anyway. (Unless they're pouring your coffee)

12:28AM

I am becoming more and more consumed by my future...aside from things I do now for later, just a general curiosity........I wonder what I end up doing for a living....I wonder what my children will look like...when I'll have them.... (my GOD I've wanted that lately...)
I think, its just that lately my path has taken so many turns, I'm not where I thought I'd be; but, it's not a bad thing.... I think I enjoy this more. So much, I begin to feel badly about it....

For once, I actually care about what happens...even more, I'm nervous. A feeling so foreign to me....I'm still trying to translate.

1:45AM - Consumed....

There is such distinction between pregnancy...bearing a child...and being a mother. Any progression between takes so much....of everything. So much of one's self. What a beautiful sacrifice......beautiful gift. Life.

I am, and forever will be, in awe of the entire process.

-Womb to the woman I am....the mother I will be...the women and men after me...a part of me...perpetually.

9:28PM - The sky was screaming I lost you

Reading....rereading...so much of nothing. Endless rambling...no conclusions....I am forever chasing my own tail. Or, my miind is...my heart.(If I had one) I had one. I think. Again, no conclusions, just the constant struggle MAYBE to find one. Or even to think I have. Anything to divert from concentration. Concentration is like looking directly into the sun. IfI concentrate on it too much....I'll go blind. Or crazy, but I think I've already been there.

I evaluate old text.
Surely the same context,
somewhere.
I know I've been here before

11:29PM - This, too, shall pass

I have no idea where I am.....where I'm going....
I'm still figuiring out where the fuck I'm coming from....where I've been.

I want to quit...but I can't.
If I quit, anything, then I have less of now, which, still, is nothing...but I prefer not to be in the negatives...

2:50PM - Je suis encore vivante.

I just have to remind myself sometimes......

12:02PM - Life is short but sweet for certain.

I'm declaring this weekend one of celebration. School is almost through, I'm off of work for 4 days...including the weekend, I get my license tomorrow (which, starts the festivities..) Vague memories of bliss is all I plan on remembering.
Never before has Shrimp Fest piqued any form of interest in me.

"We never see things change, but we always see them ending."

12:07PM - Time

This weekend is Shrimp Fest...I finally get my license Thursday....my hair is pink...for now....realationships continue to blow cock. So much has happened in so little time.....I cant believe I'm staying here........that has been my nightmare for the past 3 years....oh well. You can't always run.

1:01PM - Drowning in a hell hole

Got suspended today for skipping.....piece of shit school....they punish me for not coming by not LETTING me come....I would really enjoy MEETING the brains of this operation.
Everybody is a cunt. End of story.

11:20PM - Superbowl Sunday....

Watched the Superbowl at Jasons...didnt give too much of a fuck about the game.....simply enjoyed the beer, pizza and the company of friends. I made things right with someone who means alot to me....that was the best part of the night..... I have to go to school tomorrow...that sucks.....I only went like 30 percent of the last 2 weeks....its such a bad habit......
I'm so stoked about getting my next tattoo...I'm getting it with in the next 2 weeks....before I go to NY and Maryland with my family.....
Ahhhh.....homework......heh. What am I talking about...I'm going to go shower, smoke, and crash like a bitch.

11:49PM - P.S.

Oh yeah, I got my tat last thursday...I'll post pics sometime...its sweet.

11:46PM - who can pull an airplane futher, an elephant or 50 little people? (hint: its not the little people.)

SAT's in the morning....MUST go to sleep soon. I hope I do well......oh well.
I bought an old school bubblegum machine (you know...red and black...think 50's barber shop...) at a thrift store yesterday.....I got some goldfish to go in it.....its going to be bad ass...I cant keep it from leaking water right now, but I'm going to hot glue it at school monday....
I cant believe that closed school today b/c it was going to be too cold.....thats insane.......

1:01PM - Slacking is euphoric

So I had my first day of art today....( because I dropped AP Stats)
Mrs. Bristol is cool as hell, and apparently thinks I'm creative and just great. Good news for me.....
I'm TECHNICALLY in personal fitness now...(because I dropped French 3...) I MUST take this class over (I had it first period first semester) because I failed (never came to first period....)
and its REQUIRED to graduate. Luckily, Satan has retreated back to the fiery depths of hell (or he just has 2nd lunch....) and Mr. Schreiber is no longer my teacher. Mrs Yokley is so cool....we did some bs and she let me come here, to the library. Apparently I dont even have to dress out but like once......
oooooh yeaaa....
It feels good to be able to relax...
I'm supposed to be getting my tattoo tonight....I'm so fucking stoked.....I'm getting it on the inside of my wrist...so I hope it doesnt hurt TOO bad.....I'd just really rather not cry in front of the 30 million people that want to go watch....
Jason's getting his nipples pierced...that fierce....
Maybe he'll cry and I wont look like an ass.....ha. I guess thats mean.....maybe we'll both cry.

11:59AM - Some where over the rainbow way up high, theres a land that I heard of once in a lullaby

At the public library.......didnt go to school...I WAS going to.....really...
Kirra was upset so we went to Goodwill and Walmart.....I got a kick ass coat.....Fernandina sucks for skipping...theres nothing to do....
This damn cold is coming back....yuck.